Pensacola is home sweet home again for a couple of weeks.
Getting back home to Florida is super nice. I’ve spent the Summer outside of the South so it was fun to remember, when reentering the heat and the humidity, that I have curly hair! Pretty quickly though I noticed something else too. During these last few months I have definitely gone through a system upgrade. When I was out doing my thing I didn’t really notice all the small changes, but when I got back it was suddenly obvious. I’ll explain what I mean.
Coming back home this time, after being gone for four months of travel, I’ve realized that however cliche it sounds, I carry home with me now. Home is in my body. Pensacola is still special, but not for the reasons I thought before because “home” can be anywhere now. The beach is still beyond gorgeous and I still love our little downtown but the entire concept of home has shifted for me. Now I’m home in Colorado, home in Evanston and Andersonville. I’m home in New Orleans and home swimming in the Gulf of Mexico (some things never change). For the first time in my life, I feel at home outside of good old Pensacola, that’s a pretty big deal for me. I’ve taken six trips overseas and countless other adventures have taken me away from Pensacola but I have mostly felt like I was far away from something instead of in my body, right where I was.
So what does that mean for my forever home? Well, I’ve realized an obvious truth. It’s the people, not the location that make this particular city my forever home. Now you may be thinking, “Um yeah, Brennah...DUH!” but I’m serious. I used to say these cliches, like “Home is where the heart is” and “It’s the people not the place” but now these phrases are not only an intellectual construct, they’re not just cliches anymore. They are infused into me and I actually get it now. I quickly realized this when I got back and hugged my people again. They are my forever home, not an address and not a city.
Another part of the upgrade I seem to have undergone has to do with being guided by a new set of variables now. Creativity and wonder are a part of my everyday life in a way they just weren’t before. I feel pulled along instead of feeling like I’m pushing and forcing things so much. I trust myself more than I ever have and I can actually hear my intuition again.
These days I think of progress as a series of nudges, small changes. It used to be that I thought progress was all about huge jumps or shoves, but over time I’ve realized progress happens slowly, incrementally.
In the day or so that I’ve been back I’ve been struck by how long four months felt when I was out in it. I expected Pensacola to feel new and different but coming back I feel as though the things that have changed are quite small, like those nudges that push us all along. Some things have changed. The new ‘three mile’ is longer, we have a sick new juice bar downtown. My mom has been making paintings, my dad is braver on his motorcycle, my grandmas taste buds are coming back to life again after she stopped using the patch (although she still smokes two a day). One of my best friends is about to have a baby. Life has been clipping along.
I’m so grateful for all of the people, places and things that I’ve been able to experience this year and how I’ve grown in the hot second we’ve been away. As I prepare for our next big adventure I am enjoying the odd jobs (writing, modeling, design work) and reconnecting with friends. I’m enjoying the little differences and realizations of being a slightly better version of myself. I guess this upgrade makes me Brennah 2.0 (or maybe...3.0, I’m not sure).
All in all, checking in with Pensacola again feels like looking in a mirror when I haven’t seen myself in a while. All in all, Pensacola is my mirror.
